Fast Sunday - I'd Rather Be Swallowed By a Whale

____WARNING: Please do NOT take the following post too seriously. Fast Sunday is a very sacred day. We sacrifice 2 small meals, which is very little in retrospect, to feed people who are truly in need. Then we take the time to share our testimony with the other members of our congregation and consider what a blessing it is that we have food in the first place and don't have to go hungry every day. It is a very humbling experience and a very worthy cause. The following views and opinions (but mostly observations) were compiled among my more sadistic friends and I on a particularly looooong Fast Sunday. As you compare these simple observations to your own experiences, I hope you smile :)

_____God is a brilliant man. He could quite possibly be the most brilliant man on Earth, except he chooses not to reside with us mortals, but in another world, far far away. And honestly, looking at all the morons that he has chosen to bless with life and free agency, I don't blame him for that. If I created an entire population that chose to act as... strangely, as mankind, I wouldn't want to be seen with them either. For example, consider the little kid who whines and cries in a candy store because he will absolutely die if he doesn't get another sweet confection to shove into his already chocolate coated face. He is the same kid who picks on the other children at recess, and kicks the shins of any higher authority he can find. If we were the parents, who among us would not just walk right past, and say, "Not my kid,"? I'd run off to Kolob too. However, we are lucky. God is not like that. God takes full responsibility for mankind, despite our greed, anger, gluttony,and atrocities. He loves us unconditionally, and is unashamed to let the universe know, "Yup, those are my kids. Way over there."

_____However, as I said before, God is a brilliant man. Being brilliant, he knows subtle little ways to humble (aka punish) his unruly offspring. He has used such classics as: banishment from certain gardens, locusts, infernos, earthquakes, snakebites, crickets, tithing, and of course, a giant flood. These were the times of the Golden Age. A time when merely choosing not to go on a mission got you swallowed by a whale. Now God has evolved. He has new, more subtle methods of making us suffer. And I must say, of all the plagues and pestilences that our great creator has thrust upon us, none is more profound, than Fast Sunday.

_____The day starts out promising enough... Wait, no it doesn't. NO FOOD! Need I say more. It is a well know fact that 99% of the world's population is more cheerful after they eat food. Unless its school food. Then no one is happy. So now we are disgruntled as we head off to worship. All we can think about is food. We attack the sacrament offerings with ravenous hunger, with bread and water flying across the chapel. No, but seriously, I have never seen people receive the sacrament with so much gusto as I do when it is the first Sunday of the month.

_____Then they ALWAYS ask the long conversationalists to offer the opening prayer. You know what I mean. These people might be lonely or needy or I don't know what, but they love to go into detail about their problems (And sometimes awkwardly enough NOT their problems but the even more awkward problems of others) and then proceed to bless practically every grain of sand in the entire world by name. This must be God's way of trying our paitence. Inevitably, the prayer will last for at least three minutes. One time, it went up to seven. Can anyone, even God, really stand to pay attention to your problems for seven minutes? I almost jumped up and yelled, "Stop talking! God has lost interest!" No blessings for you.

_____Then on to the brief opening statements, or whatever you call them. It is unavoidable, that every typical mormon talk will start out with a joke about the bishop cornering you and demanding you give a talk next week. (Although, maybe that's what really does happen, and they're just trying to warn us in case we're next...).

_____Then, my favorite part of the entire event, is testimony meeting. This is when all the wackos get their chance to stand up and remind us all that God loves them, because they couldn't find their keys, prayed, and lo and behold, they were in their pockets the whole time. Halle Freakin Lullaj! :)

_____The hymn is the only fun part. I love how the old people are the only ones who sing at my church. I joke with my mom that you can always tell when an old person died, because the chorus gets a little quieter. Actually it seems to get a little quieter each week, and yet I never hear of any announcements of recent tragedies. This leads me to wonder which home teachers are in for an extra surprise on their visits that month. Or perhaps which ones aren't doing their duties at all.

_____So as you can see, the whole experience is nothing short of horrific. Famine and disease simply cannot compete. God has moved on from the thunderbolts, lakes of fire, and tremblings of the earth. He just tries to find subtle ways to annoy us very four weeks. When you really think about it, it is sheer brilliance. Looking back at all my Fast Sunday experiences, I think I'd rather be swallowed by the whale.